Let’s play female cop-show bingo!

Let’s play female cop-show bingo!

1 Forges unlikely bond with local prostitute/suspect’s becardiganed wife. Ensuing “pop-the-kettle-on-love” conflabs prompt cautions of the “You’re in too deep!” variety from table-thumping top brass.

4 Barges into boss’s office wielding battered manila folder containing hitherto overlooked link between suspect – let’s call him Dave Redherring – and notorious cold case: the Solid Alibi Revealed in Fifth Episode Murders.

5 Enters incident room to find DI Bastard holding court with guffawing minions while perched, single buttockly, on her desk. Ensuing power clash invariably spirals into threatened disciplinary action and banging.

7 Squints into middle distance while squatting at woodland crime scene, the camera slowly circling her head like a small uncle asking about biscuits at a wake.

8 Glugs wine from balloon glass while standing alone in fitted kitchen purchased from B&Q’s This Job Is Tearing Your Marriage Apart Helen® range.

9 Accused by smirking male colleagues of being “overemotional” because of moving her eyebrows at crime scene and/or complaining when “quirky” pathologist blows off in mortuary.

10 Spots local man being shifty in unexpected locale: “Oi”, etc. Ensuing chase curtailed by stitch and grudging acknowledgment that sometimes it’s hard to be a woman (in a regional cop drama).

11 Can’t sleep due to unspecified Inner Turmoil. Cue anxious glances at partner, bedside clock and texts from earthy but loyal sidekick (“SOCO STUNK OUT THE LAVS LOL”).

12 Peers out of car window at Police Drama Rain, which is like normal rain but more likely to have someone who used to be in Casualty shouting “slag” in it.

15 Buttonholed by long-suffering DCI, who distractedly waters plant while explaining that he’s taking her off the case, but only temporarily, mind, as there are still two episodes to go.

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